Friday, January 27, 2012

Do I Dare to Dream?

I've trained myself so well in the ways of being single.

I'm cautious with my eyes, my smile. No sense in giving encouragement to men I'll never see again.

I watch my thoughts to stop myself from daydreaming. It's silly to make an imaginary hero out of a guy I barely know. I try to keep from picturing a family, and home life, because sometimes I want these things so badly that even just dreaming them hurts.

I've learned not to get my hopes up. So what if we talked literature at a party and I gave him my email address? I won't hear from him again. I've come to accept this.

I know how to do this "singles" thing. I know how to curb my crushes. I know how to keep myself from loving.

But now. I've met this man.

And I can't help looking forward to seeing him. I catch myself dressing up and wearing lipstick when I know he'll be around. When I'm with him, I don't want him to leave.

I can't help thinking of him when I'm walking to the metro. He creeps into my thoughts as I eat lunch at work. Falling asleep at night, he's the last thought on my mind. Thinking of him brings happy dreams.

When I realize this, I rebuke myself sternly. Don't daydream about him, I tell myself. Daydreaming is bad luck. Daydreams don't come true.

But what am I to think when he seeks me out, day after day? When he whispers to me, "You're beautiful"? When he teases that I'm "perfect" and I see that a part of him believes it?

I've taught myself so well to have low expectations, to hide my hopes, to keep secret my private dreams. After all this careful training... Do I dare to let myself hope? Is it safe to dream?


  1. I completely heart your post, Tess. You deserve the best - really!

    Much Love,

  2. Even further proof that we have a LOT of catching up to do! Oh this is so exciting :)

    And don't rebuke yourself for daydreaming! As long as you don't let it blur with what's real, it can be awfully nice... I'm a huge fan of all things daydream-y.

  3. Shannon, we NEED to talk. You + me + skype needs to happen SOON. When are you free?

    Also, you girls are awesome. Thank you for the lovely comments.