Note: This is completely satire!!! This is not to be taken seriously.
(But it's absolutely hilarious.)
(You have to read the whole thing.)
Article 1. Whether beer is inappropriate for Baptism.
Objection 1. It would seem beer is appropriate for baptism, for beer is the highest substance known to Man, and so a fitting vehicle for the grace of the Highest Being. There is no other liquid more worthy of the honor.
Objection 2. It would seem that the use of beer for valid baptism would prevent the protestant heretics from misunderstanding God's intentions about its inherent goodness and appropriateness for consumption.
Sed contra: Beer to be used in the process of baptism is likely to become lukewarm, soiled, or otherwise undesirable, rendering it unfit for use, much like Miller Lite.
I answer that the objects of God's glorious creation have ends that are entailed by their nature. The nature of beer is to assist in the enjoyment of that creation and to enliven the spirits and loosen the conversation of those made in God's image, which will only lead them closer to the beatific vision. Thus the proper end of beer is to be consumed in beverage form.
Reply to objection one: One may likewise claim that it would have been fitting for God to appear on Earth as a powerful king. Yet He chose the lowliest of births for His Son, and the most gruesome, lowly death. According to Athanatius, Christ's Glory was thus increased, as this action enabled Him to redeem even the lowliest of His creation. Likewise, God chose water, the lowliest and plainest of liquids, for the Sacrament of Baptism.
Reply to objection two: God already tried that with wine.
Frank and I died laughing. And yes, this probably isn't funny if you're not familiar with the Summa, and yes, we're huuuuuuge nerds. But oh man, I loved it. I'm so glad my future brother-in-law is so witty—and especially glad that his sense of humor matches up perfectly with Frank's and mine. Many good times to come.