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Friday, February 15, 2013

Real Love is Messy

Yesterday one of my guy friends sent me this post with the message, "You should blog a response to this." Here's my best shot.

First, I can't stand websites that list a bunch of rules for what you can and can't do, or should and shouldn't do, to qualify as a "good Catholic couple." I mean, who comes up with this stuff? As Frank said, "It sounds like someone who never dated wrote this."

In general it's silly and naive to lay out a list of immutable commandments for how dating or courtship should go (as some of you know, I'm a fan of dating), because no relationship fits perfectly into some checkbox. There's no such thing as the perfect Catholic couple—or the perfect couple, period. There's no such thing as the perfect love story. Real love is messy. There are wonderful couples out there who lived together before marriage and had children out of wedlock before converting to the Catholic faith—and now they have a beautiful family and a solid faith life. On the other hand, there are couples who did everything "right" in their courtship, and now their marriages are a mess. So I question the usefulness of these dos and don'ts, which apply to very few people and often come across sounding judgmental.

That post does make some good points—namely, that a good man will treat a woman with respect and courtesy, and that prayer is a good foundation for marriage. True and true, and God bless them for saying it. But a lot of it was just creepy. A few of the more ridiculous bits:

1. "As a woman, she is a member of the fairer sex, and therefore better than you." Umm... Neither sex is better than the other—they are complementary and equal. Insert Theology of the Body here.

2. "She deserves to be complimented for her virtue." Huh??? Last time I checked, compliments are not "deserved" or earned but freely given, and complimenting a girl on a first date for dressing modestly sounds both creepy (this is a first date and all he's noticing is the temptation level of your outfit?) and judgmental (assuming that since you're dressed modestly, you must be holier than that floozy over there in shorts). Mind you, this is coming from someone who makes an effort to dress modestly every day—but I do not think a woman's worth, much less whether she "deserves" compliments, is tied to how she looks or the way she dresses.

3. Then there is the whole paragraph on lust. Obviously lust is wrong, and impurity has no place in a relationship. But there is a time in a relationship where sexual attraction is not only appropriate but necessary. By the time a couple's been dating long enough to get engaged, I certainly hope they've felt sexual attraction for each other—God help their marriage if they haven't! So there, too, I think this post is lacking.

Most of all, when I read that post I thought of this stunning, simple, and brilliant piece by Elizabeth Foss. I read this piece around the time I met Frank, when I had a strict rule against dating non-Catholics. But his human virtue and personal character impressed me, and Elizabeth's piece convinced me to date him. You can imagine how glad I am that I did.

The guys who wrote that piece obviously had good intentions, and I'd give them an A for effort. But I don't think their post has much usefulness or relevance in the real world. Even putting aside the weird views of women, I don't think there's a couple in this world whose love story follows that idealistic and oh-so-innocent rubric. And you know what, there shouldn't be.

Relationships are complicated, confusing, and very imperfect. Love in the real world—outside of books and movies and theoretical blog posts—is really darn messy. It's just about the messiest thing there is. But it's what sanctifies us. It's what makes us holy. It gets us to Heaven, precisely in our sinfulness and silliness and imperfection.

I know many, many married couples and the stories of how they fell in love. All of them are beautiful. But out of all the couples I know, none of them has a love story like the tidy, sanitized little tale in that blog post. Love stories come in all different kinds, and there isn't one right way to start a relationship. What matters is what that relationship becomes.

12 comments:

  1. Thanks for this Tess. I'm not Catholic, but I had to deal with these idiotic rules and regulations for courting or dating growing up in my church. I always thought they were nonsense. There is no cookie cutter plan for relationships. Each one is beautifully unique! And in case you didn't notice me following you I have been for a week or two now and I love your blog! It's really cute. :)

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  2. Dear Catherine, it's so lovely to hear from you! I'm really glad this piece struck a chord. I think many of us have seen instances where rules about dating become judgmental and counter-productive rather than helpful and encouraging. I love what you said—that there's no cookie cutter for relationships—it's so true!

    I'm so happy to hear you're reading the blog and I'm really glad you like it! Frank and I both hope to see you soon!

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  3. Um, who ARE these people?! I'm kind of sick of hearing this stuff. Yes, good intentions, blah blah blah. But at this point I honestly think it's damaging since not a few young Catholic types are ending perfectly! decent! healthy! relationships! because they don't meet this ridiculous model. I know soooooooo many people who have broken up over this stuff.

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    1. Wow, that's crazy that you know people who have broken up over this kind of thing—that's why it's so important to point out what a false model this! I know exactly what you mean though; a younger version of myself would have read that post and gone into an existential tailspin. But now I realize ALL of us are messy, broken, and imperfect. Thank God for grace! And please tell the young couples you know who are doubting their relationships that the "perfect relationship" and "perfect Catholic couple" are illusions!

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  4. I need to start reading Elizabeth Foss' blog regularly. Everything of hers that you've linked to has been gold.

    And I agree, real love is messy but wonderful.

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    1. I definitely recommend it! She seems like just about the loveliest lady on the internet, and a really good writer too.

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  5. When I read the "compliment her on her virtue" bit I about choked. My reaction was the same as yours... creeptastic to say the least. Don't get me wrong, I'd be mildly flattered, but mostly creeped out that he's noticing how not-slutty I was dressed.

    The problem with posts like that is that they were likely written innocently and somewhat in jest. However, it actually does put relationships on this pedestal that very few can reach. Meaning a lot of extra Catholic guilt. Guilt about your relationship not being holy enough? Likely to kill your relationship. Sigh...

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    1. hahaha... creeptastic. What a fantastic word. It describes that post perfectly.

      Extra Catholic guilt is right. I wish every insecure young Catholic couple could know how imperfect and flawed we ALL are—and stop worrying so much!

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  6. It's a great thing to have high standards for a relationship...

    ...but to be realistic is also REALLY good, because it means that you'll get along in REAL life. And realistic is not the same thing as cynical. My fiance and I have had a beautiful relationship so far - albeit with its downs - but it's definitely not what I would have expected if I'd laid out my "ideal" relationship model prior to meeting him. I'm sure he'd say the same. It was SO much better that my "ideal" relationship, for precisely the reason you cited: it was more sanctifying. Holiness does not come without suffering, and if our relationships are going to make us holy, then we're going to have to suffer some together. It's not as clean and rosy as the "ideal" relationship might be painted as, but it's sooooo much better.

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    1. I love your point that the REAL relationship is even better than the unrealistic ideal! It's so easy to get sucked into guilt about the flaws in our relationship that we don't stop to see how many things about it are good. But you're right, the real is even better than the "perfect" and much more sanctifying. Amen to that!

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  7. Oh my gosh, this made me cry. Literally. Really and truly. They were a lot of naysayers about that post. But it's one of those things that proven itself true again and again, even after the writing. I'm so happy for you and for Frank and for other couples who took a chance on imperfection and said yes to the messiness of growing together!

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    1. Dear Elizabeth, thank you so much for this comment, and thank you even more for writing that beautiful piece! I'm overjoyed to hear that my post made such an impression on you, and I think the naysayers about your post have no idea what they're talking about!

      Thank you for your kind words about Frank and me—we are so grateful for your prayers and good wishes. All the best to you and your family too!

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