First Steps and Advice for Engaged Catholic Couples

My friend Anna got engaged last week. The next day she texted me, "What do I do, now??" I remember that feeling. The realization that you have a whole wedding to plan can be a little scary and overwhelming!

I texted her back with everything I've learned about wedding planning in my six months of being engaged, and after I sent it to her, I decided to write it up for the blog. Who knows, maybe it can help a few other couples!

First Steps After Getting Engaged:

1. Give yourself a week or two to let it sink in before you start planning. Just enjoy being engaged and give yourself a space of time to get used to it (and to stop staring at your ring every 30 seconds... six months later, I'm finally down to every two minutes) before you start the stressful process of planning.

2. When it's time to plan, I have three words for you: Real Simple checklist. A married friend recommended it to me and she was right; it's the absolute best. It's sensible, it's practical, and it doesn't offer a "one-size-fits-all" approach. You can even save your progress as you go (I've been doing that, and even though I'm consistently a month behind schedule, gradually everything's getting done!)

Bonus: Real Simple also has handy checklists for other aspects of wedding planning—my favorite is this list of questions to ask before hiring a photographer. Frank and I printed it and took it with us when we booked our photographer.

3. As for the nitty-gritty, you'll want to reserve the church and reception site first. That covers the planning basics, and once those are reserved, you can step back and take a little break. Along with reserving the church, pick a great priest for marriage prep. Marriage prep with a good priest is an incredible experience. Our pastor has an amazing understanding of human nature and of a married couple's dynamics, and with his help, Frank and I are learning to understand each other better and see eye-to-eye more and more.

4. There will inevitably be moments when you freak out. Last week Serena reminded me of the near-meltdown I had days after getting engaged when I was overcome with the stressful thought of planning a wedding. When those moments come, remember (as Auntie Leila says) that it's just Mass and then a party. Mass and a party, you can handle that! (At least that's what I tell myself when I feel inclined to stress out. :) )

5. Along with booking your church and reception site, if you are sending paper invitations, start collecting addresses right away. Getting everyone's addresses together was the most time-consuming part of planning. My mom and Frank's mom had long lists of relatives they wanted to invite, but it took dozens of phone calls and emails to track all their addresses down. You can't start too early!

6. This really should be number one: make sure you are spending time in prayer and spiritual reading specific to the marriage vocation. Marriage is a vocation like no other, and it's all too common nowadays for couples to spend more time planning their wedding than preparing for their marriage. I think the couples who reads this blog know better, but it still helps to have suggestions. Here are some of the best readings I know to prepare yourself spiritually and psychologically:

The Catechism on Matrimony. Our pastor had us read it for marriage prep so we would understand the Church's position on marriage in its fullness. This reading is short but spectacular. I want to reread it every year and frame parts of it to put up in our home.

Three To Get Married. The joke among my set at Notre Dame was that you could tell someone had just gotten engaged when she started reading this book and carrying it around everywhere. It's a lengthy and dense book, but there's a reason it's a spiritual classic. I learned so much from this book and underlined huge chunks in almost every chapter. Another one to reread again and again.

The Four Loves. C.S. Lewis' classic on marriage, Frank and I read it for marriage prep and pulled out parts to discuss with each other and the priest. Lewis packed so much into this short little book and we learned a lot from it.

By Love Refined: Letters to a Young Bride. Alice von Hildebrand's sweet, moving, and exquisite reflection on married love, with special emphasis on the early years. This book is rich in wisdom and is helpful for wives at any stage of marriage—my mom still likes to read it after 25 years. (Thanks to Holly for the suggestion!)

A Catholic Handbook for Engaged and Newly Married Couples. This book is like a little theology course on marriage packed into one short and very accessible volume. It's a treasure trove of sensible advice and inspiring ideas.

Men, Women, and the Mystery of Love. Dr. Edward Sri breaks down John Paul II's Theology of the Body in a practical, accessible format. I have yet to read all of it, but many of my friends swear by it as a way to understand the opposite sex and the marriage vocation! (Thanks for recommending it, Stephanie!)

Marriage and the Mystery of Faithful Life. Dietrich von Hildebrand offers a great—and short!—exploration of keeping the love alive in your marriage. (Thank you, Katrina, for the suggestion!)

Catholic brides will especially enjoy the lovely website Captive the Heart, a great resource that Stephanie has put together. She has book reviews of most of the books mentioned here!

Married and engaged friends: any other suggestions for good marriage reading?

7. Finally, another stellar tip from a married friend. Whenever you start to worry about things going wrong, ask Our Lady of the Wedding Feast at Cana to watch over your wedding and make sure everything runs smoothly. From what I hear, she has quite the track record of noticing if there's a problem at the wedding and getting Jesus to resolve it... before the bride and groom ever notice a thing. Could there be a better patroness? :)

Well, that's everything I've learned in my first six months of being engaged. Maybe after the wedding is over, I'll come back with "Advice for Engaged Couples: Part 2."

Please add advice and tips in the comments section!

Favorite Quote

"Begin doing what you want to do now. 

We are not living in eternity. 

We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand 

- and melting like a snowflake."

Wisdom Wednesday: Mom or Dad as CEO

I receive weekly "MBA Monday" emails from a website I love called DailyLit. Usually the posts are confusing and hard to understand so I just delete them. But this week's really struck me with its description of What a CEO Does.

I asked a very experienced VC who had been in the business around 25 years, "what exactly does a CEO do?"
He answered without thinking:

A CEO does only three things. Sets the overall vision and strategy of the company and communicates it to all stakeholders. Recruits, hires, and retains the very best talent for the company. Makes sure there is always enough cash in the bank.

I asked, "Is that it?"He replied that the CEO should delegate all other tasks to his or her team.
I’ve thought about that advice so often over the years. I evaluate CEOs on these three metrics all the time. I’ve learned that great CEOs can and often will do a lot more than these three things. And that is OK.
But I have also learned that if you cannot do these three things well, you will not be a great CEO.

I've read in numerous books and articles that running a family is a lot like running a business. So when I read that, I thought, I bet that's a lot like what it takes to be a great mom.

A mom needs to decide (with her husband) on a vision for their family. As a mom, I'll need to decide what our family stands for and the kind of people we hope to be. I hope my future husband and I can stay focused on our vision for the family, keeping our "eyes on the prize" of producing happy, healthy, holy adults - and not get frustrated when a badly-behaved 5-year-old or angsty teenager makes that vision seem impossibly far away. We'll have to keep the whole family oriented toward that vision and faithful to our strategy for achieving it - just like a CEO would do.

While parents don't get to seek out "the very best talent" for their families, they do get the privilege of nurturing the "talent" God gave them into the very best it can be. After all, God picked these people out for the family; I don't think you can get a better recruiter. As a parent, I hope I can support, respect and nourish my kids into fulfilling the utmost of their God-given abilities and help them grow into genuinely good human beings. Then I can sit back, relax and let them loose on society. :)

And finally, "make sure there is enough cash in the bank." This might just be the roughest part of a parent's day-to-day practical life: budgeting, planning and saving to provide for the things children need, some things they want and a few unexpected emergencies. I read a fascinating blog post about financial awareness last week that inspired me. Even though having kids is still pretty far off on my horizon, I'd like to start planning and preparing now so I won't have any huge financial worries when that time comes. Oh, and I'd love to ace that portion of the pre-Cana test.

Besides that, I loved the part about delegating. I suspect that delegating is going to be one of the best parts of being a mom. As my high school friend Teresa's mom used to say, "Why do you think I had all these kids? So I would never have to clean the house or do laundry again." Kidding, of course, but "many hands make light work" and even a very little kid can do a lot to help out.

Have you ever heard this idea of a parent being like the CEO of a family business? What else does a mom need to do besides the stuff on this list?

Wisdom Wednesday: How to Stop Biting Your Nails

I've been lucky over the years to benefit from amazing advice given by people who know a whole lot more than I do. In honor of all the advice I started a new tradition on my blog: Wisdom Wednesdays. Every week I share a piece of thought-provoking advice for you to think about, talk about and enjoy.

This week's wisdom is my tried-and-true advice for how to stop biting your nails, based on my own experience as a life-long nail-biter who was recently reformed.

In order to stop biting your nails, you're going to need to invest in four essential tools:

Sturdy nail clippers

Cuticle cream (Burt's Bees is my favorite - see how worn it is from so much use?)

Clear nail polish

A high-quality nail file

The trick is to make your nails look nice all the time. Then you won't be tempted to bite them. Instead, when you want to pick at them, you can file them or put cuticle cream on them instead. This requires constant vigilance and carrying the nail file and cuticle cream around with you everywhere, at least at first. But believe me, if I can do it, so can you!

Second of all, keep them short. When my nails start to get longer than I'm comfortable with, I get antsy and want to bite them. I used to have this idea in my head that nails have to be long to look nice. But that's just not true! They can be short as long as they're unbitten and nicely groomed.

You should also make sure to keep clear nail polish on hand. Why? Because clear nail polish is the best-kept secret of busy, well-put-together women. It makes nails look classy and polished (literally), you can paint quickly and messily and it'll still look fine, and chips will be invisible! Keeping your nails painted clear is an easy way to make them look awesome.

Or you can do what I did: give up biting your nails for Lent. That's what motivated me to develop this system, since I didn't want to resort to using those bad-tasting nail polishes. For me, this approach worked like a charm.

Here's how my nails looked after a few weeks of this treatment:

You might not be impressed by this picture, but it's a huge improvement compared to they looked before! Now they're short, but polished, even and tidy. They could use a little more cuticle cream (see the dryness around the nail bed?) but other than that they're fine.

Do you have any secret tips or tricks for kicking the nail-biting habit?

Wisdom Wednesday: The Three Cs

I've been lucky over the years to benefit from amazing advice given by people who know a whole lot more than I do. In honor of all the advice I've received I'm starting a new little tradition on my blog: Wisdom Wednesdays. Every week I'll share a piece of thought-provoking advice for you to think about, talk about and enjoy.

Once upon a time my twin sister and I did this wonderful summer program in Annapolis, MD. It turned out to be one of the best decisions we ever made. ISI was the channel through which I got my job, my roommate, my best friend, and my boyfriend, not to mention a small library of free books. I can't say enough good things about it.

That week in Annapolis was perfect in just about every way. We hung out with awesome people, had interesting discussions and attended fascinating lectures. We sipped wine at dinner (and before dinner... and after dinner). We laughed a lot and learned even more. Many of the things I learned at the Honors program have stayed with me ever since.

Serena and I were randomly assigned to be roommate. What luck! Now we're the best of friends.

One night a few of us were sitting around after dinner, shooting the breeze. Tom began to tell us the story of how he met his girlfriend. It was such a funny story, and so awesome, that I've told it to dozens of people since. This is my first time writing it down. I hope you like it!

Tom was one of seven children in a big, traditional Catholic family from the East Coast. Growing up, he was always advised to look for a girl who fit the criteria of "the three Cs": Cute, Conservative, and Catholic.

(My friends and I cracked up laughing at this point. Really? The three Cs? We thought that was the funniest thing and I couldn't believe his family had come up with that. But as it turns out, it's not just his family. A year later, I started telling this story to a Catholic guy in Chicago who had never heard of Tom or his family. When I got to the part about the three Cs, he interrupted me. "Yeah, of course," he said. "Cute, conservative, Catholic. Everyone knows that." I was flabbergasted. Who knew that was a thing??)

But when Tom got to college, he found himself in trouble. He realized that he was falling in love with a girl he was close friends with. A girl who just happened to be a cute, liberal Protestant.

He didn't know what to do. On the one hand, he really liked this girl. But on the other, could he really disregard everything he knew about what to look for in a woman? He decided to seek advice from a wise old priest who was a close friend of his family's.

(As a side note, priests give the best dating advice. I can't tell you how many times a priest has told me just the right thing that I needed to hear when I was having romantic difficulties. I highly recommend seeking their counsel!)

So he went to the priest and sat down to relate the whole story. "Look, Father, I really like this girl," he said, "but she's a liberal Protestant... and you know, the three Cs..."

The priest sat in thought for a little while. Finally he spoke.

"Always remember, son, that the Holy Spirit changes hearts, not faces," he said. "So in my opinion, go for it." Tom asked her out and they've been happily dating for several years now.

Me, Serena, Catherine and Lillian at the Honors Conference

Isn't that just about the greatest advice? I even put it as my senior quote in the PLS yearbook. "Always remember that the Holy Spirit changes hearts, not faces." Amen.

Yes, it's true that you can facetiously use this quote to justify going for the hot ones. But when you think about it more maturely, this quote is a reminder that you never know what changes God can work in human hearts. And considering that my own boyfriend is a convert, and that the Holy Spirit worked in his heart in ways I never could have imagined, I feel like that senior quote was very fitting.

Wisdom Wednesday: Tasha Tudor's Hot Cross Buns

I've been lucky over the years to benefit from amazing advice given by people who know a whole lot more than I do. In honor of all the advice I've received - some great and some not-so-great - I'm starting a new little tradition on my blog: Wisdom Wednesdays. Every week I'll share a piece of thought-provoking advice for you to think about, talk about and enjoy.


This week's wisdom is a little unusual. Instead of telling a story, I'm posting my "famous" hot cross buns recipe, from the Tasha Tudor cookbook. We make them every year on Good Friday.

These buns take a while to rise but they're pretty easy to make. And they always turn out absolutely delicious!

Photo from here

Tasha Tudor's Hot Cross Buns

Double the recipe if you desire more than 12 buns. I always do, as these have a tendency to disappear when guests or family are about! Also, when I double the receipt i use a total of 3 packets of yeast for 24 buns; the extra yeast makes them lighter.

1 cup milk, warmed to 110 degrees F
1 packet yeast (or 3 if doubling the recipe)
1/2 cup sugar
2 cups unbleached flour
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
*1 cup currants
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, melted and cooled

*We never use the currants and they still taste delicious.

In a small bowl, stir the milk into the yeast to dissolve, adding 1 teaspoon of the 1/2 cup sugar. In a large bowl, mix together the flour, the remaining sugar, the cinnamon, and the currants. Add the milk and yeast mixture and mix well. Cover with a warm towel, set aside, and allow to rise in a draft-free place for 30 minutes.

Add the salt and melted butter, being sure that the butter is not too hot, so as not to destroy the live yeast. knead the dough lightly on a generously floured surface, then place in mixing bowl, cover again, and let rise until double in size, 1 hour or so.

Preheat the over to 350 degrees F.

Shape the dough into 12 buns and place on a parchment-paper-lined-baking sheet. Cover and let rise until double in size, about 30 minutes.

Bake the buns in the preheated over for 15 minutes, until nicely browned. Remove from the oven and cool on racks.

When the buns are cool, make an X on top of each one with a pastry tube filled with the mixture of:

1/2 cup confectioner's sugar
1/8 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 teaspoons light cream or milk, or enough to make the icing easy to spread

This recipe makes 12 buns.

Wisdom Wednesday: Love or Money?

I'm a pretty inexperienced and innocent person, as the "book smart" label of this blog makes clear, but I've been lucky over the years to benefit from amazing advice given by people who know a whole lot more than I do. I was thinking today about how I don't really have any ideas of my own; they're pretty much all stolen from people who are much smarter than me.

In honor of all the advice I've received - some great and some not-so-great - I'm starting a new little tradition on my blog: Wisdom Wednesdays. Every week I'll share a piece of thought-provoking advice for you to think about, talk about and enjoy.

I had this high school history teacher who was an absolute riot. She raised 5 sons and 2 daughters before pursuing a second career teaching British history. She was one heck of a teacher. We students sat spellbound in class, enraptured by her stories. Because that was how she portrayed it: to her, history was one long, interesting, gossipy story about fascinating people who did the most incredible things. She made every lesson interesting. We just loved her.

As great as her teaching was, it was her extracurricular words of wisdom that really stuck with me. She would occasionally go off on side topics that sent us into fits of laughter. "Why can't human beings just lay eggs," she would joke, "instead of giving birth? It would be much easier."

One day she got started on the topic of marrying for love vs. marrying for money. What a ridiculous dichotomy, she said. Why should any girl have to choose between the two?

"Never forget, girls," she said, "You can love a rich man just as well as a poor man."

What a zinger! I still think of it when I see a girl facing that conflict in movies or books. This quote hasn't really been relevant to my life, but I think it's funny and awesome. I would love to hear what you think!